We are indeed back again with a request. X-Men. The original. Dear god, not Last Stand. How does a cartoon do that storyline better way before the movie attempted to? Anyway, we’re here for the one that started it all. First kind of Marvel movie. Don’t have the rights. But we do have some awesome characters. So let’s get into the movie. I just realized. I should have done First Class. It’s canon to Apocalypse. This isn’t anymore. Thanks Days of Future Past.
Mutation. This dialogue spoken in almost every X-Men movie & we get a snippet of the second best X-Men theme. X2 has it. Walking in the mud are captured Jews because we are in Poland during World War 2. World War 3 with The Giant next year. Little backstory on Magento as his parents are dragged away. He gets pissed pries the heavy gates open using the force. Or his mutant powers. Luke Skywalker is a mutant. I’m not sure, but I don’t think he did that in First Class. Have to watch again. Rogue time. With her boyfriend, he gives her a kiss, but sucks the soul out of him. Overacting. Cut to Jean Grey. She’s Onatopp of this.
I’ll go f**k off for that. Debate on whether or not mutants are dangerous. Dick senator describes Kitty. Professor Xavier looks on & catches a glimpse of Erik, Magneto. Little tease for their feud.
Return with Rogue to Canada, the warmest place on Earth. Now we meet the star of every g**damn movie.
Seriously, Wolverine is in every X-Men movie. Even as cameos. When he’s more than a cameo, he’s the main star. Stupid Hogan. I mean Logan. No, I mean Hogan. Just like Hogan, Logan gets his ass kicked, then immediately wins. Boo him. Yes. No selling c**t. At least Wolverine has metal bones & can regenerate. Rogue meets him at the bar. Isn’t she like 16? Guy who got his kicked pulls a knife on Logan. Who then chops a shotgun in half. Ok, he ain’t nothing to f**k with. As he gets ready to drive off, Rogue slips in the back of the truck. Start of a beautiful friendship. She eats like an animal. Maybe like a Wolverine. Hurhurhurhur ah damn it. Tree from out of nowhere crashes the truck. Sabertooth makes a run in, but so does Storm & C**t Cyclops. I hate him so much. Since the cartoons.
We follow Sabertooth back to Magneto & we get a glimpse of Toad. Vice versa, we go to Xavier’s school & meet Jean Grey again who is nursing Logan. Wolverine breaks out, but Xavier speaks to him through telepathy. Leading Logan to him and meets the rest of the team. Well, the best known ones. No Beast. Bit of a backstory here. Hopefully this means Origins doesn’t need to be watched. Do not watch it. Rogue is in class & Iceman hits on her. Exposition. Dick Senator flies off in his helicopter. Surprise! It’s Thank F**k It’s Not Jennifer Lawrence Mystique!
Nothing against Lawrence. Just you grow tired of her. And she’s not even Mystique half the time. She’s Jennifer Lawrence. Mutant & proud, my ass. These originals got her right. Until the third like everything else. Logan back in the arms of Jean Grey won’t be the last time. Xavier runs test & finds out what he truly is. Dick Senator in Magneto’s evil liar. No laugh tho. Tsk tsk tsk. Magneto sets something off that eclipses the entire island.
Jean Grey reads Logan’s mind & finds more on his backstory. C**t Cyclops gets jealous. God, I hate his face.
Logan has nightmares & stabs Rogue. Holy s**t. She touches him & gets some of his regeneration. Luckily, he can recover. Dick Senator, man they really jump back & forth a lot. He’s now a mutant & slips through the metal window & Sabertooth’s hands. He’s dead. Oh well. I assume Magneto wanted to use him as an example. Oh, he’s not dead. He washes up on shore in some weird form. Bobby Brown here scolds Rogue for using her powers. He did it earlier to someone else. Aha! It was Mystique to send her into the arms of Magneto. Professor X finally shows off Cerebro.
He tracks down Rogue and- WHAT THE HELL, STORM?! Jesus Christ, where is your accent?
Logan takes off on Scott’s bike. F**k him anyway. Mystique infiltrates Cerebro & sets up a drug to take out Xavier. Wait, wouldn’t Professor X know when a new mutant is on school grounds? Especially Mystique, who has a history with him. Sabertooth comes in & attacks Strom, while Toad goes after C**t Cyclops. Magneto rips open the train to find Rogue. He bends Wolverine’s claws more than I did when I play with my action figure. Played. I played with the figure. Past tense. Not anymore… Cops show up & I’m starting to notice this scene is a lot like that scene in First Class. Xavier talks through Sabertooth & stops Magneto, but not before he shoots one cop. Just stopping it before it hits him. Mystique shows up & takes them away.
Logan fights with Storm, who has regained that accent. Dick Senator shows up & asks for help. Professor X looks in his mind & finds out Magneto’s plans. Storm watches on as the Dick Senator dies & turns into water right after he turns face.
Xavier is taken down by the drugs Mystique put in Cerebro. Jean then gives it a shot & uses Cerebro to find Magneto. Toad stomps on a guy like in Mario. Well, better than that Super Mario Brothers movie. Magneto sets up Rogue for his machine to take out all of New York. Funny how all these superhero movies take place in New York.
Honestly no. Know how stupid that would look in live action? Anyway it’s time for your main event!
The following contest is an 8 man tag team elimination match and is for the 1st safety of New York. Metal detector goes off & Logan gives the middle…claw to Cyclops.
C**t. Whoa! Two Wolverines, one is Mystique. Toad takes out Cyclops & fights Jean. That dance.
He spits in her face, because she’s not cool.
He then takes out Storm as the Wolverines fight. Back to Mystique, we get a pretty cool fight. Storm comes back & f**ks s**t up. She takes out Toad and meets up with Logan. Aha, it’s Mystique posed as Storm. He stabs her & takes her out.
Magneto has had enough & traps them all in the Statue of Liberty’s crown Logan stabs himself to escape & fights off Sabertooth onto of the statue.
Teamwork, C**t Cyclops takes out Sabertooth. Storm sends Logan up to Rogue & he fights Magneto’s powers long enough for C**t Cyclops to shoot him. Oh, Rogue has her hair now. Wolverine touches her & saves her again. Swear he does this in every movie of the trilogy. Give his life for someone else, but he doesn’t die. Xavier wakes up & Logan recovers. Hey, Rogue is looking kind of hot. Dick Senator back, but as Mystique. In the midst of this, Logan takes off. Xavier & Erik play chess as they will continue to fight forever like Randy Orton & John Cena.
So X-Men, how was it? A really good time, actually. Enjoyed it once again. Top 3 of the franchise with First Class & X2. Kind of fun, sensible plot, great villain. Not much to complain about besides Rogue’s acting. Only gets better with X2, but then steep downturn with Last Stand. So if you want my recommendation, I’d say you’d enjoy this if you want to watch something. No need to go out of your way to see it since it’s not canon anymore.
Sins Committed: Gluttony
So, X-Men, have you seen it? What did you think of this review? Agree? Laugh? Cringe? Let me know down below. As always, if you have any suggestions for wrestling shows, movies or topics, leave those requests in the comments. Next week, we return to comic book movies one more time for the time being. For now, I’m out. I’ll see you when I see you.
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