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The Deadly Sins: “The LEGO Movie” (2014)

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The LEGO Movie (2014)

Spoilers

(Duh!)

 

Let me tell you a little story. I suggest to few friends “Hey, let’s watch Inside Out. It’s a Pixar movie.” “Hahaha you watch that little kid s**t?” F**k you, broaden your views. Most “kids movies” aren’t just for kids. There are some that adults like more. If I said “Let’s watch Finding Nemo” and got s**t on, I would probably putting boots to their faces. So sit back & relax, here’s one of my favorite recent examples of how “kids movies” are awesome. Because everything is awesome. Except Cars & Cars 2. F**k those movies, f**k Owen Wilson & f**k Larry The Cable Guy. This has Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Morgan Freeman, Will Arnett & Will Ferrell. This is already awesome. So let’s get into the movie.

Where do we begin? An ancient artifact- damn it, did I start watch Transformers? Well, no. CGI actually looks good & has great acting. Lord Business enters to take out Morgan Freeman, aka Vitruvius, for the “Kra-gel”. Vitruvius makes up a prophecy describing a “Special One” that will stop Lord Business & it’s all true because it rhymes. I believe it. We meet Emmett, who is the opposite of that prophecy. He follows every rule & watches “Where Are My Pants?”. Greeting everyone. And that c**t Jeff. Don’t “meow” me.

We get the amazing song! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! He goes to work as a builder & sings for 5 hours. Everyone ignores Emmett when it’s quitting time as he loses he’s directions & finds a thief. He’s gonna have to report them until he sees it’s Elizabeth Banks. He falls into a nice & safe area, but gets knocked into hell. Emmett then finds the strange piece & touches it, unlocking the key to the universe.

Emmett wakes up to cop Liam Nesson. Scene of the movie without Batman. Bad Cop integrates him to find out why The Piece of Resistance is stuck to Emmett’s back. He denies everything & Bad Cop gets upset.

 

Good Cop shows up, awww, Bad Cop heels out.

He lies about having friends & everyone describes him as a nobody. Sad, but Bad Cop doesn’t believe it.

 

Taken to the Melting Chamber, Elizabeth Banks returns to save him in a badass way. She builds a motorcycle to get away. The chase is on.

Pretty awesome scene, it’s all Lego blocks. Crazy. She kicks ass as Emmett struggles & accidentally kicks ass. She reveals her name, Wyldstyle, and flies into a portal as Bad Cop amazingly gets upset.

Now in the Old West, Wyldstyle slaps him with a cactus. She has a boyfriend. Don’t get any ideas. She gives exposition as Emmett fantasizes about her. Lord Business built walls to keep people apart. Goddamn it, Trump is Lord Business. President Business goes through his normal life & meets with Bad Cop. He has a room a of normal human stuff like Ban D’ A Ge. The Kra-gle is going to keep everything in place. He get’s Bad Cop’s parents, but Pa keeps botching. Bad Cop fights with Good Cop. Business demands a quetip and the Po-Lish Remover of Na-il. Good Cop is removed now & Bad Cop heels out & freezes his parents. Old school western bar brawl, Emmett bursts in: “Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Bullet, Bullet, Gun!”

Bullet Club! They meet with Vitruvius, who is blind. Wyldstyle is revealed as the Special One. She denies. Oh ok, Emmett is revealed as the Special. He imagines a Double Decker Coach which is s**t on. Bad Cop enters the bar & searches for Emmett. Training begins now. They found them. It begins later. Emmett & crew escape the ambush, but are surrounded by cops. Escape on a glider but shot out of the air & Wyldstyle builds a cart driven by pigs. The wheel pops off & Emmett uses it to control the cart, now on a train, they battle Bad Cop who blows up the bridge. As Wyldstyle confesses it’s been a good 15 minutes,

Batman saves the day because HE’S BATMAN! No hockey pants here. Wyldstyle calls him babe. Yeah, date Batman, probably gonna die if you’re not Catwoman. More puns than Becky Lynch, Batman & Bad Cop fight as they both fall to their death. “Oh no, your boyfriend’s gone.” BATMAN! Damn it. They travel through different worlds with Batman’s song. Not better than mine…

We arrive at Cloud Cuckoo Land. Nicest place on Earth with Princess Unikitty who is extremely positive.

Show her the Hardys.

All the Master Builders gather in the Dog. Yes, I just said that. There’s Superman, who avoids Green Lantern like DC is right now. Robin Hood, Mermaidlady, Gandalf, Dumbledore- Wait a damn minute. They are played by the same guy because the original Dumbledore passed. So if they are together here, that makes it retrospectively impossible. Two people can’t be in the same place at once. The sheer mechanics must be mind boggling-

Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy, 2002 NBA All Stars (Shaq) and Wonder Woman are also there. Vitruvius explains the situation while addressing Green Ninja, f**king Millhouse (who looks amazing like his actual character on The Simpsons), Nice Vampire or probably Vampiro, Michelangelo the architect, Michelangelo the Ninja Turtle and Cleopatra. Metal Beard interrupts Emmett’s promo to warn him about Lord Business’ tower. He got fricking sharks with fricking lasers on top of their fricking heads!

Emmett cuts a promo & admits he’s not qualified, which gets booed. Metal Beard takes off. A golf ball destroys the building & Bad Cop returns. Emmett has a tracking device on his ankle. To the Batmobile!

To the Invisible Jet!

Superman & Shaq build a catapult that does nothing to the bad guys because it’s Kra-gled. Shot with gum, Superman is trapped & only one man can save him, Green Lantern, who gets trapped in it with him. Funny Channing Tatum is play Superman & Jonah Hill is playing Lantern. Seems like they were in something else before. Step Brothers? I think that’s it. Wyldstyle demands Batman helps like the woman she is because she’s weak! I don’t know what that was. Felt like taking a shot at feminists. The cops destroy Cloud Cuckoo Land, but Space Guy Ben is here to build a spaceship! Sky’s surrounded… s**t. The plan is to go under water. Batman says he only works in black & sometimes very, very dark grey. No, no, no. Blue too, f**kface. They get away as Bad Cop throws a chair out his ship & captures the rest of the Master Builders.

Princess Unikitty cries & Emmett shows off his Double Decker Couch. Holes in the ship. “This is not how Batman dies!” Everything is destroyed and there are no survivors. Like WCW in 2015. Thanks, Vince. A**hole. Lord Business traps everyone in chambers, but puts Superman next to Lantern. Well, I put Man of Steel next to Green Lantern. Better, boring. Green Lantern just sucked. Everyone hid in the Double Decker Couch. Batman complains it’s over no one is gonna come out in a huge ship & save them- OH MY GOSH! Metal Beard returns for the save. Emmett convinces them to follow directions. No special spaceship from Ben. Need a hyperdrive. Batman says it’s impossible to find. Not like it’s going to come out of the blue- ARE YOU KIDDING THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN!? The Millennium Falcon shows up with Han & Chewie! On their way to Naboo for a sweet party. F**king C3PO! F**king Star Wars! Oh my God, Lando! And it’s Billy Dee Williams! It’s been so long! Why am I marking out to this? Episode 7. Han… No Lando… Batman ditches everyone and goes with Han & Lando.

Lmao. Batman returns with the Hyperdrive. Batman takes out the guard & throws 30 Batrangs to open the gate.

 

First try! Metal Beard & Ben sneak into the building as a copier & bucket. Guards print their butts, so Metal Beard f**ks them up. Never place your rear end on a pirate’s face. Bruce Wayne & Unikitty infiltrate President Business’ meeting. Don’t know how they got Bruce Wayne. Batman never heard of him. Emmett & Wyldstyle sneak into construction & get caught. But start singing Everything Is Awesome! Emotional scene for Wldstyle & Emmett as Wyldstyle admits her name is Lucy. C**kblock by Batman. Batblock! Unikitty says random things. 

Emmett hesitates & blows the plan as everyone gets captured. So now it’s time for our main event!

The following contest is scheduled for one fall & is for the future of LEGO kind! Vitruvius accidentally wanders into Lod Business’ Think Tank & gets badass. Destroys every henchmen, but Business knocks his head off with a coin. In his last dying breath, Vitruvius admits he made up the prophecy. Before he can tell Emmett a secret, he dies. Lord Business throws the Piece of Resistance out the  window. Lord Business goes out & freezes everyone. Vitruvius shows up on a string. Emmett rolls the battery he’s attached to out the window & kills the power. Wyldstyle goes on TV & inspires everyone to rebel. Under attack, Bad Cop face turns & Good Cop returns. Ben finds some crack & builds a spaceship.

Citizens also build spaceships & help the fight. We return to Emmett, who falls into the real world. He meets a kid, who’s father is Will Ferrell. He gets mad at the kid for playing with his Legos. Hey, let go my Legos. Back & forth between real world and Lego world, Ferrell destroys everything as Lord Business takes out the heros. Emmett moves in real life & falls off the desk. The kid gives him the cap & sends him back into the Lego world. Finally building his own things, Emmett kicks ass. Unikitty loses it & kills every droid. Emmett arrives & fights off the henchmen. Ferrell sees the creativeness of his son & accepts it. Reflecting that, Emmett appeals to Business’ emotional side and becomes his friend.

Batman breaks up with Wyldtyle so she can be with Emmett. Vitruvius says he like liked Emmett before it was cool. Yeah. me too. Nerds. Before we end, the kids sister’s Legos arrive. Oh no.

 

So “The LEGO Movie”, how was it? Well appropriately titled, “Everything Is Awesome!”

A very good watch. Fantastic CGI, clever comedy, a fresh take on a basic story. I loved this movie. My second favorite animated movie in years. Always some with nostalgia, but this was indeed awesome. It also has an all star cast. Like “This Is The End” for kids. This is not a movie just for kids. This is fun for everyone. Highly recommend you watch it at some point. Show your kids in the future.

 

10/10

Sins Committed: None
So, “The LEGO Movie”, have you seen it? What did you think of this review? I think that might have been my longest review. Worth it. Agree? Laugh? Cringe? Let me know down below. As always, if you have any suggestions for wrestling shows, movies or topics, leave those requests in the comments. Next week, we return to an older review that is not on the newer site. Which will it be? I’ll let you ponder on that but as of right now, I’m out. I’ll see you when I see you.

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