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The Deadly Sins: “Countdown” (2016)

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“Countdown” (2016)

 

Spoilers.

(Duh!)

WWE Countdown. Wait a tick. That’s a show on the WWE Network. They never continue a show more than 2 seasons. No idea why, they just give up. But this isn’t the list of most botched moves at Royal Rumble. Botchamania’s Maffew has that already done. This is a movie about… s**t. What’s this movie about? I honestly don’t know. Seen like one commercial. Ziggler, Kane & Rusev. Ziggler superkicks Rusev who’s holding a gun. At that moment, I knew I was going to have a hell of a time with this. So let’s get to it & start the show. Can’t be worse than WWE Flintstones, right?

 

Generic Seattle. Foreign language that I think is Russian. I have no idea what’s going on.

Dolph Ziggler shows up with some guy looking for Nikolai, the most generic Russian name. Nikolai immediately figures out they are cops. D**k Ziggler pulls a gun on him, but shoots the cop to show he’s not cop. Nikolai supplies guns for Ziggler because he’s just shooting blanks. Ziggler then stalls as police arrive. Other guy is rightfully pissed at Ziggler for shooting him in the chest where his vest is, nearly missing.

Kane now in this as the police chief.

Some lady comes in as Ziggler wets himself like Nikki Bella walked in. Somehow saying Ziggler looks like he’s in a mugshot is sexist. Kane then shuts it down & literally puts Ziggler back in his chair. Now he’s suspended for being a d**k to other cops. At least he didn’t take prescription pills. We learn he has a wife & kid. Doubtful. Talked to Amy Schumer? “He’ll be more nothing than my giant pile of nothings.” Who the f**k wrote this? Vince? Probably. Oh, twist. The kid is gone & Ziggler is reading to the picture of him.

Ziggler wakes up with the demand to report to WWE Headquarters. First off, he’s suspended. Why the hell are they bringing him back immediately? Russian calls out Ziggler as he’s holding a child hostage & I can tell it’s Rusev. Oh it’s not. Out of nowhere, WWE set up as stars warm up. Apparently, Ziggler has to infiltrate a show.

You have Dean Ambrose & Santino, but Ziggler has to buy a ticket. I swear I saw a guy in a Punk shirt. It’s a New Day, yes it is!

Next up, Ascension with the most screen time in over a year. Ascension take forever to get to the ring. I blame Taker somehow. Lucha Dragons enter next, who get a jobber entrance. Apparently everyone who goes to a WWE event, wears face WWE stars shirts. Russian guy runs off without being tracked & kills another cop.

What we all have been waiting for.

Ziggler then chases him until Rusev bodychecks him. What a face. Rusev sees a guy being chased and helps him out. A**hole Ziggler yells “I’m a cop!” but when Rusev asks for a badge, he superkicks him.

You are a heel. And an ass. Also, that’s the first time in 5 years, that a superkick put down a wrestler besides WrestleMania 32. Lana says something as Brock Lesnar enters. Horrendous reading by Ziggler who yells “Freeze!” in the most monotone way possible. Apparently, this is WWE Battleground. You know, the one where Brock killed the WWE Champion. Nice booking, WWE. Shootout in some random piperoom. Ziggler, my god. He can’t read a script. Ziggler shoots the jobber Russian dead. You are the worst cop ever. Yeah, the guy was gonna blow up a kid, but you don’t kill him. What kind of a face are you?

 

The woman rams Ziggler’s truck because he left. F**k her too. Ziggler then heads to a tattoo parlor & beats ass. With no evidence or badge. Arrest him. She asks why he’s doing this case. So am I. She then acts like she knows Ziggler & he changed. Ziggler then brings up an old case that he should have brought up a while ago. Ziggler sneaks up & strangles Nikolai. Daniel Bryan got fired for that.

This f**ker is doing it like nothing. The girl, plain honest, I don’t know her name. I don’t think they said her name. She tracks down this family that has seen the boy they are looking for. They find the boy’s father. I kind of hate this girl. She can’t act & she’s just annoying. She bitches out to the landlord. Ziggler walks into a building through a metal detector & shows his gun. Not his badge, his gun. F**k this horrendous cop. How can you support this idiot? He just fights everyone for no reason even if they are not doing anything.

He interrogates some guy.

He then nearly kills said guy. How is he the face in this? I’m cheering the Russians.

Apparently, that Russian jobber is obsessed with Ziggler & has the newspaper of his kid’s death. Someone steals Ziggler’s truck & he says “No one saw anything?” to no one else around. God, you’re dumb. Discount Scott Hall is confronted by the a**wipes. The girl is a straight bitch & threatens to kill the bomb maker for nothing. Ziggler is then arrested by the guy he shot earlier. The girl sells pepper spray when they did it to Ziggler, then stops selling it. “How’s your relationship with your co-workers?” “I work my ass off.” What? He asked you about relationships with other people, not your job, moron.

Exposition about how his son died. Girl is back & she is selling pepper spray to the eyes. Either sell or don’t. I think her name is Julia. Thank god I learn that an hour in with 30 minutes left. Ziggler, once again as stupid as ever, says he’s framed and if he did it, he would have covered it up & no one would find a thing. Because now I trust you after that. Ziggler then slams his head into the table & fights his way out a police station. He fought his way out of a f**cking police station. He then puts a cop through a wall denser than WrestleMania X7’s.

Kane runs in & chokes Ziggler.

Like the dirty heel he is, he low blows Kane to escape.

Kane then shoots pellets at Ziggler as he jumps on a window washer.

You p**ck putting an innocent at risk. Julia saves the day & explains the bulls**t that framed Ziggler barely.

I guess it’s now time for our main event. The following contest is scheduled for one fall & is for a small boy. I’m not judging. Introducing the challenger, from Hollywood, Florida. Weighing in at 218 lbs…Dolph Zig- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can take a hint & not book this guy in the main event.

At a junkyard, they search for the boy. Julia calls Ziggler & that’s a jumpscare. Because we really needed the sound effect in this lackluster scene. This whole scene is just calling out names. Julia all of a sudden has asthma. Literally never mentioned, never seen. Nikolai pulls up like Negan with a gun, except they get away. Crack Ziggler or Julia in the head with Lucille. They run into a WWE Roadblock. What a crappy show that was. The Russians catch them & capture them. Not kill them right there. Somehow, they can fight 5 guys in a truck. All of a sudden, the windows are bulletproof.

Cause that’s convenient. Nikolai drops a grenade & blows up his car. Um, okay. They find the boy & take him back to the police department where no one remembers what happened earlier. The kid no sells this situation. He doesn’t react at all to the possibility the bomb goes off.

Ziggler escapes with the kid.

Yay! He saved one person. He kille & f**ked up dozens. Ziggler punches the cop to end the movie.

What the f**k did I just watch?

 

So, Countdown. How was it? Terrible. Piss poor acting, incoherent plot, simple as hell, horrendous dialogue, pretty bad action. I can’t find much good in it. At least in High School Musical I found one thing. In the second. Out of three. I think this may be the worst WWE movie yet. Maybe that Leprechaun movie was worse, not watching that. I recommend you stay away from this movie as you’ll probably be bored or tune out in 20 minutes. Here’s a Sasha Banks gif to make up for it. 

 

1/10

Sins Committed: All 7
So, Countdown. Have you seen it? I know you didn’t. What did you think of this review? First right here on WrestleCorp!

Any thoughts, leave them in the comments. Got any requests for movies, wrestling shows or topics? Let me know. I’ll be back with a themed review. I don’t know, some small movie about some sort of war is coming out soon. Probably never heard of it. So if that’s all, I’m out & I’ll see you when I see you.

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