Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Seems like something with most of these characters coming soon. Some sort of Suicide Squad. No, I’m bulls**tting again. What I do best. Also what Hollywood does. So let’s get into the sequel to one of the biggest movies of all time. That didn’t have Batman, Luke Skywalker or Paul Walker. They correspond somehow. So there has been three comic book movie sequels that surpassed the original. Spider-Man 2, The Dark Knight & Captain America: The Winter Soldier. So let’s see if Marvel can strike lightning twice. It’s the Age of Ultron. Which is less than the Age of Orton in 2011.
We begin with…what the hell is going on? I’m hearing you had to watch Agents of Shield to know. F**k that. This movie is 2 & half hours long. Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch rush into battle. Sorry, I can’t stop thinking about these two in Godzilla as husband & wife, now siblings in Avengers. Long tracking shot trying to replicate the original Avengers already with gratuitous group shot.
Tony says “s**t!” as Cap exclaims
That’s why we have a Civil War. They take out the jobbers like Cena & Orton in 2008, except they don’t get beat down. Iron Man apparently has droids, even though in Iron Man 3, he destroyed everything with his suits. Hawkeye takes a shot, but Quicksilver stops it. Flash & Arrow did it better. Iron Man bitches out everyone & infiltrates the building. He then lucks out & finds a secret passageway. HUlk is losing his s**t again & Scarlett Johansson has to give him a boner. That’s not calming me down. Cap finds some guy. I don’t know who he is, he only shows up here & Scarlet Witch takes him out. Iron Man then finds that huge alien thing as Scarlet Witch gives him his worst fear, I guess. Everyone dead. At least one of these will be true. Cap will eventually die. Then Captain Falcon! Come on! Show me your moves!
Where the hell did this Banner/Black Widow romance come from? She was with Cap in The Winter Soldier. Thor, you’re next. Johansson or Portman? New Avengers’ Tower with Maria Hill welcoming them. She may be more useless than Hawkeye. She is now. Even Agent Carter did more. And she’s hotter. She doesn’t explain Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch’s powers. Tony is decoding Loki’s Sceptor for some reason because that start Ultron somehow. Nerd talk. Tony explains Ultron is Earth’s Mightiest Defender. Wait. S**t. Stark & Banner work on Ultron in a time lapse. Jarvis greets Ultron as he looks up everything that ever happened. Feel sorry for when he gets to Transformers. Ultron then kills Jarvis right before the party of the Avengers. War Machine thinks he’s a main hero. Weren’t in the first Avengers. Why aren’t Portman & Paltrow in this? They turned down a sure blockbuster movie for some reason. Not looking it up. Something with their contracts. At least Portman. Jane is better, Thor. Still not a good character. Papa Doc arrives.
Stan Lee cameo. Wonder what he does in Civil War. Forced relationship between Widow & Hulk returns. Unless she’s getting naked, I don’t care.
Who can lift Thor’s hammer?
Hulk tease fail. Cap almost gets it.
Whomever shall wield it, is worthy.
Broken droid comes stumbling out calling out all the faces.
The robots attack. It’s f**king Skynet! Ultron cuts a pretty good promo as Thor takes out the last droid. Apparently, Ultron is a big Pinocchio fan. Thor is pissed & chokes Tony because it’s all his fault.
Good guy Cap teases his feud with Iron Man. Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch meet Ultron. He teams up with them & starts procreating. Now think a robot having sex. Also, Magneto dies in this. What if Fox pulls a Sony & lets them use X-Men? Now it’s gonna f**k everything up. The Avengers track down Andy Serkis who is actually not CGI. This just opens up Black Panther to this world. Ultron attacks with Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch. He gets vibranium from Serkis before chopping off his arm. What is this, Star Wars?
Avengers show up with quips. Battle ensues. “Shoot them.” “Which one?” Slow motion Quicksilver. Shame X-Men did it first. He punches the s**t out of Cap,
but tries to catch Thor’s hammer. Scarlet Witch mind controls everyone, but Hawkeye. Good because he sucked as a mind controlled character in Avengers 1. Nice cameo from Peggy Carter. Elizabeth Olsen says she “wants the big one”.
Hehehehe dirty mind. Tony has another AI system. Damn it, do you know what’s happening? Also, why didn’t Ultron take that out to? Hulkbuster armor.
F**king amazing. Pretty cool fight. Seems like every single movie with Hulk, he loses control somehow. Hulk gets even more pissed & beats the hell out of Iron Man.
More destruction here than Man of Steel. Not Batman v Superman. Nothing is topping that destruction for a while. Iron Man knocks out Hulk to end it.
Hawkeye takes everyone back to a safehouse. His house. We learn he has a pregnant wife & two kids. Thor, the dick, breaks the kids’ Legos. He then just takes off & leaves. Damn it, just like Civil War. Widow & Banner again. I really don’t care. Banner feels remorse over what just happened as he should. Another tease for Cap vs Stark.
Downey Jr. is a perfect Iron Man, but a lot of quips. Goddamn random Nick Fury. Thor meets up with the most forgettable character in all of these movies. I don’t know his name. Banner then mentions the next most forgettable character. “The most versatile substance on the planet. And the used it to make a frisbee.” So true. And also a suit. Thor learns about the Infinity Stones. Too bad the scene immediately ends & doesn’t explain that either. Ultron kills that woman after Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver tease turning face. Hold on, she isn’t dead. But she wasn’t moving or even have her eyes open. With blood gushing out. She’s dead. She cannot tell Cap Ultron’s plan. Ultron & Cap fight now. “Sending the package to you.” “How do you want me to take it?”
Hehehehe dirty mind. Black Widow does some absolute bulls**t and leads the case into Hawkeye’s jet as one of the droids take her. Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver turn face & attack Ultron.
Tony somehow gets Jarvis back & tries to plug him into the robotic body. Avengers fight. Thor comes out of nowhere & kick starts the process Vision is born.
Vision picks up Thor’s hammer like nothing proving he is good, face & on their side.
Now it’s time for your main event! The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the fight for humanity! Like always! Banner somehow gets to Black Widow. Quip off. Ultron calls in the midcarders.
Big fight, I cannot comment on everything. Basically the end fight from the first Avengers. Ultron then says f**k it & lifts the whole damn city. “The city is flying. We’re fighting an army of robots. I have a bow & arrow. None of this makes sense.” Damn right it don’t. Hawkeye convinces Scarlet Witch to fight with them. Some pretty awesome sequences. Scarlet Witch nuts up & starts tearing s**t up. Nice. Still don’t know what she does besides telekinesis & mind control. Some asshole shoots Quicksilver. Nick Fury again. God, you’re like Johnny Curtis, but less awesome.
Still awesome. Goddamn War Machine now. I honestly didn’t know until Iron Man came in. He looks like the rest of the droids with guns. Ultron beats the s**t out of Thor until Vision uses his hammer. God, Vision is so awesome. Saving this movie. Time to kill the jobbers. Just move your hands because I don’t see anything. Maybe he’s there, but where is War Machine? Like I said, I can’t tell. Vision, Thor & Iron Man team up on Ultron. “Hey big guy.” Hawkeye goes to save a little boy trapped. Ultron returns to shoot at Hawkeye & the kid, but Quicksilver pushes them out the way, not before he’s killed & Scarlet Witch goes ballistic.
Some woman I keep seeing has no lines, welcomes her son back. Hulk is on the jet & leaves for what I can assume is Planet Hulk with Thor. Really hope so. Last Ultron is confronted by Vision who says he was born yesterday. Tony Stark pulls up to the New Avengers Facility. That guy from “Thor” is there. New team with War Machine, Falcon, Vision & Scarlet Witch arrive. Thanos end credits scene. I don’t know why they keep doing that. He’s not coming until 2018.
So Avengers: Age of Ultron. How was it? A decent movie. Maybe because this is my 3rd time, but it just feels so carbon copy. Not much difference from the original which is the only thing holding it back. Could also tone down the jokes. People make fun of DC for being serious. That because those characters are supposed to be. Batman is not cracking jokes. Only one in this movie that should is Iron Man & maybe Hawkeye. Rest don’t need to as well. So if you want my recommendation, watch it once. Don’t need to right away. Doesn’t play into Civil War really.
Sins Committed: Sloth, Pride, Gluttony
So if you’ve seen it, let me know what you thought of it. Agree with my review? Also, have any suggestions for topics, movies or wrestling show? Leave them down below. I’ll be back with one I want to do. S**tty? Maybe. Find out. Next theme review will probably be X-Men. Last until Rogue One. So for now, I’m out. I’ll see you when I see you.
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